Things I’ll Tell My Future Children To Do

During the summer my mom leaves us a list of chores to be done before she returns from work. They usually consist of things such as “clean the kitchen,” “fold the clothes,” etc.

As a proponent of child labor (that was a joke) and because of my dictatorial tendencies and hatred of household chores, I will probably do something similar to my children one day. Why do yourself what you can force your kids to do? Of course, I’ll tell them that working builds character and responsibility. But let’s face it, I just want to make them do the stuff I don’t want to do.

Chores don’t always have to be a chore, though (despite the fact that the word “chore” would suggest otherwise). I like to keep things interesting.

Chore List for Future Offspring:

  1. Clean the kitchen and fold the clothes (there’s no sense in altering tradition).
  2. Transform the house into an anti-zombie fortress (set up stakes outside, assemble the weaponry, gather food supplies, etc.).
  3. Take the dog out. To kill zombies (or to scare the neighborhood kids, whichever scenario applies).
  4. Practice the cross-bow for 30 minutes. On a target, or on actual zombies.
  5. Sing a woodland-creature-attracting song and attract the woodland creatures.
  6. Force them to help you scrub the floors and make clothes.
  7. Ignore your fairy godmother. She speaks lies.
  8. Enlist aforementioned woodland creatures and lying fairy godmother into our zombie apocalypse survival alliance.
  9. Challenge your sister to a mud-wrestling match. Whoever wins gets to eat tonight. Whoever loses, the zombies get to eat.
  10. Read something of substance, namely, the classics (or a Zombie Survival Guide).
  11. Be able to have a discussion with me about one current event (not the zombie apocalypse) nationally or world-wide (what a curse having a journalist as a mother will be!).

My philosophy on parenting.

Ce que chante la corneille, chante le corneillon,



About Emily

I tend to embody the definition of "first world problems," so one night when I knew I needed to shower but didn't want to--in true first-world fashion--I created this blog. There were ulterior motives, however. I'm a journalism and french major at Mercer University, which means I enjoy writing (and France, apparently). I also like to think that I'm witty, and that the world needs to hear (or, rather, read) my wit. "La Vie, Selon Emily" means "Life, According to Emily." Emily, being myself. Now that that's out of the way, who is Emily? Funny you should ask, because I've made a short list: I was raised in the Georgia suburbs on a beautiful little thing they call "sarcasm." My parents taught me at a young age to appreciate this age-old art, and I like to think I've mastered their craft. I'm also quite the girly girl: Disney princesses were my childhood, and dressing up is my favorite. Despite whatever conclusions you may have drawn from #2, yellow, not pink, is my favorite color. I love commas, and feel that I use them too liberally. I love thinking and learning new things, and I love making others think and learn new things. I am a voracious reader, and I love the word "voracious." I just realized that I've used the word "love" entirely too much thus far. I sing in the shower. I sing in the car. I pretty much sing a lot, and I like to think I'm decent at it. If you give me grape juice, I'll be your friend. I will also be your friend if you love on me (examples include giving me a hug, rubbing my back or arm, playing with my hair, cuddling with me, etc.). I have two mottos in life: Any dress with pockets is a dress worth having, and any man who wears bow ties is a man worth dating (I will acknowledge that there are exceptions to these rules, as with all rules). Semi-finally, but most importantly, I am an utterly depraved sinner saved by God's unfailing grace and love. I will leave you with this french proverb: "A l'œuvre, on connaît l'artisan."
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8 Responses to Things I’ll Tell My Future Children To Do

  1. Writer Jobs says:

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  2. Lux says:

    My mom used to create lists me and my brother growing up. We were homeschooled so our lists contained chores and required schoolwork for the day; they would frequently turn into things like debate matches with our mom over whether or not a particular chore really needed to be done and outdoor chores (such as raking) became “who can build the biggest fort” competitions.

    • Emily says:

      Oo I like the fort building idea. That sounds like fun. We also have debates about which chores actually need doing, and my mom has figured out that she has to be extremely specific. For example, once she just said “fold the clothes,” so we didn’t fold any of the towels in her room. (: Thanks for reading!

      • Lux says:

        Ha! That’s exactly the kind of thing we used to do. We would also try to bargain out way out of particular chores or trade them for ones we considered less work. [:

  3. I am going to give my daughter a name that rhymes with her surname. She will get bullied, and will develop character, thus being better than just pretty.

    She will doubtless have my nose, though, so she won’t be pretty. She’ll probably also be a boy, who will fight me all the time for a laugh. Uff.

    • Emily says:

      If she is a boy will you still give him a name that rhymes with his surname? Boys need character too, so they don’t become tools.

      • I can’t think of any boys names that rhyme with my actual surname, so I’ll probably have to call him something like Septimus or Englebert. That’ll show him.

      • Emily says:

        I approve of those name choices. Zombies will rue the day they try and eat the flesh of Englebert!

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