The Perfect Pop-Tart, According to Emily

When it comes to breakfast foods, Pop-Tarts® are my breakfast food of choice. I love those fun-filled pastries. As with a lot of things, however, I am quite particular about my Pop-Tarts and believe that my way is the best way. In order to enhance your daily breakfast regimen, I’ve decided to educate you on proper Pop-Tart making.

The only good Pop-Tarts are fruit-filled Pop-Tarts*.

This includes, but is not limited to, strawberry, blueberry, cherry etc. Steer clear of Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts and S’Mores Pop-Tarts. Those aren’t good.

Really? Chocolate Vanilla Creme? Who wants to eat that?

*EXCEPTION: Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts are delicious.

Only lame kids eat frosted Pop-Tarts.

Once you’ve chosen your delicious fruit Pop-Tart, buy the unfrosted version. Sure, the frosted version is quite good, but if you want the perfect Pop-Tart, get unfrosted. In an unfrosted Pop-Tart, nothing competes with the flavor of the fruit and baked pastry. Strawberry Pop-Tarts are my personal favorite. Actually, Strawberry is the best. I may have said earlier that any fruit-filled Pop-Tart will do, but I was just humoring you.

When I eat this for breakfast, all is well with the world.

Toast it. The RIGHT way.

By the “right” way, I mean in an actual toaster. Not some confounded toaster-oven machine. Why in a real toaster? Because the best Pop-Tarts have slightly burnt edges. Not charcoal black like you’ve blow-torched the thing, but a slightly golden-brown color. This gives the crust an extra crunch to balance out the soft fruit-filled interior.

Albeit a frosted Pop-Tart, the edge of it has been toasted to perfection.

Butter that sucker.

Once your pastry is out of the toaster, slather the top in butter. Don’t forget the crust. This, my friends, is what makes unfrosted Pop-Tarts worth it. It’s like a homemade buttery pastry your mama hands you. What could be any better?

Eat the whole thing.

This isn’t first grade. We don’t dispose of our crust. Especially not after we’ve made it such a perfect golden-brown color. The best way to eat this Pop-Tart is to break it in half and, using mathematics, end up with a last bite that is the perfect ratio of fruit-filling to crust. (That was a slight exaggeration, but my point is, don’t leave all of the inside or all of the crust for last. That’s just not smart.)

And that, my friends, is the secret to perfect Pop-Tart making. Hopefully you have been enlightened. It took me years to perfect this art, so this quick lesson should save you years of grief and dissatisfaction. If you don’t believe me, just try it once. People who know me will tell you that I’m usually always right about most things (maybe some of the time…).

Il faut manger pour vivre, et non pas vivre pour manger,

Emily


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About Emily

I tend to embody the definition of "first world problems," so one night when I knew I needed to shower but didn't want to--in true first-world fashion--I created this blog. There were ulterior motives, however. I'm a journalism and french major at Mercer University, which means I enjoy writing (and France, apparently). I also like to think that I'm witty, and that the world needs to hear (or, rather, read) my wit. "La Vie, Selon Emily" means "Life, According to Emily." Emily, being myself. Now that that's out of the way, who is Emily? Funny you should ask, because I've made a short list: I was raised in the Georgia suburbs on a beautiful little thing they call "sarcasm." My parents taught me at a young age to appreciate this age-old art, and I like to think I've mastered their craft. I'm also quite the girly girl: Disney princesses were my childhood, and dressing up is my favorite. Despite whatever conclusions you may have drawn from #2, yellow, not pink, is my favorite color. I love commas, and feel that I use them too liberally. I love thinking and learning new things, and I love making others think and learn new things. I am a voracious reader, and I love the word "voracious." I just realized that I've used the word "love" entirely too much thus far. I sing in the shower. I sing in the car. I pretty much sing a lot, and I like to think I'm decent at it. If you give me grape juice, I'll be your friend. I will also be your friend if you love on me (examples include giving me a hug, rubbing my back or arm, playing with my hair, cuddling with me, etc.). I have two mottos in life: Any dress with pockets is a dress worth having, and any man who wears bow ties is a man worth dating (I will acknowledge that there are exceptions to these rules, as with all rules). Semi-finally, but most importantly, I am an utterly depraved sinner saved by God's unfailing grace and love. I will leave you with this french proverb: "A l'œuvre, on connaît l'artisan."
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2 Responses to The Perfect Pop-Tart, According to Emily

  1. victorytragedy says:

    Just tried this. Totally aces. (The butter makes all the difference.) If you have any other breakfast secrets, please pass them along! Bee-tee-dubs, this is my first time logging in since the new year — your notifications and award was just the motivation I needed to get all my ideas on my blog. I will continue to try and be an avid follower/blogger and I hope all is well.

    • Emily says:

      I told you, I know all… And I’m glad you’ll get back into blogging, because I love reading your posts! It’s summer, so we have plenty of time to blog!

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